This is chapter two of my story The Lunch Box. Tell me what you think, rate it, and gimme tips! Thank you All.

I woke up. The sky was all purpley. I looked up at the clock on the cable box above the T.V. It said: 6:07. I honestly didn’t know whether or not it was 6:07 in the morning, or at night. I was sure I didn’t sleep the whole day away. I hoped so, it was saturday. But the sky got lighter.

As soon as it did, I swung my bare feet onto the cold wood floor and Slap, slap slapped my feet against it until I had reached the kitchen. Standing on my tippy-toes, I could just reach the fruity pebbles on the highest shelf, which stupid Marti had probably put there to mess with me. I wasn’t short. I was 5’3". If you think that’s short, go right ahead thinking that as you are most likely seven feet tall anyhow, if you think that’s short. Next to some people I am. Like you.

I was eating my unhealthy cereal when I noticed that Breezy hadn’t shownherself since I had left to pick up Marti from Jail. I pushed my bowl aside and peeked in Breezy’s bedroom. The covers were thrown all over the place like an elephant had slept in her bed, although I was sure she hadn’t had a guy over. No one since a long time, but she was happy working every minute of the day, she enjoyed working at a small daycare-WAIT! Of course! That’s where she was. At work. I’m pretty sure anyway. All I knew was that Saturday was a day for…not work. Another thing that I knew was that she’d better hurry up and come home before 12. That was when My gay friend, Kyle, was having a killer block party on his block near Brooklyn. And i promised him I’d make it. Plus, Kyle always kept you entertained with Karaoke; GOBS of Lady GaGa. Angel was always fun, and Marti was not ALWAYS a butthead and a half around him. Breezy liked him too, that’s why I wanted her home NOW! Just Marti and I in a car for an extended period of time was not a good idea. Now, Don’t get me wrong; I love my sister. I love her dearly. I just never like her.

Now to find that criminal hogging my bed. I looked in my bedroom, which was covered weird, random things, like a pair of netted wings hanging from my canopy bed. Oh! And A yellow wiffle ball hanging on a string from the window. I glanced all around.

There was a lump in my bed, underneath the lavender and teal patched blanket, there was a Mart-sized lump. All I could see was a pale foot sticking out. I chuckled under my breath. I didn’t even try to be quiet. I walked, no, stomped over to the bed, ripped off the covers, exposing the grumpy teenage vampire to the sun! She hissed, and withered away to nothing. Ok, I’m just kidding. BUT, what did really happen, which is odd enough, is Marti, yes, my sister Marti, I’m sure of it, opened her eyes, greeted the day, (and me) and actually smiled.SMILED! She grinned and rolled over in MY bed. She was still wearing her clothes, and her shoes. I giggled, and smacked her butt.

"Come on! it’s like…" I trailed off, craning my neck to see the hanging cat wall clock in the hallway. "It’s 8:00. Get in a shower, I’m getting salsa for the block party." I said, although I’m sure Marti was again asleep, but, oddly enough, at the words: "block party" She arose with glee and ran into the bathroom.

"Weird kid…" I whispered under my breath, and then I just grabbed my shoes and hit the door. I really didn’t care about market people seeing my awesome pajamas, so I didn’t get dressed just to go get salsa. I knew how to make this amazing chip dip out of cream cheese and super duper spicy flaming salsa. Which was good because it matched Kyle.

I didn’t drive. Not because the street bazar market thing was about three blocks away from our place. So, in my http://www.polyvore.com/market_meeting_outfit/set?id=20299029 , I set off down the corner.

I got to the street market, and I picked up one of those wicker baskets with the bendy handles they put out for customers. I saw the jars of handmade salsa. But Marti, Breezy nor I like the gross kind, with those weird chunks of ick in them. Those are just plain odd. And I didn’t see any chunkless salsas. So I asked the guy who worked at this particular booth. He was bending down, opening a box though, so I felt weird.

"Um, hi?" I tried, feeling strangely timid. Which was odd, for me, usually. The guy straightened up, and then he smiled sheepishly. Pearls. I mentally gasped.

"I dropped an earring!!!" I said suddenly, and dropped down below the booth counter so that he couldn’t see me anymore. It was the guy from the lunch box! It would be so humiliating now! Plus, I was dressed like a total slob! I wish I could turn back time to before i came here so I could put on dark wash jeans and a tube top.

I waited longer than necessary to "find my earring" and then I
Actually, I am only eleven, so give me a break. And the character is 21. She is just bubbly and fun. And please do not be so harsh, that won’t earn you a best answer, missy! AND, I post my stories to a site that’s allianced with polyvore, so I use it, to help visulize things.

Well, okay. There’s a lot wrong with this excerpt. First of all, the first paragraph, and basically the rest of the story is very choppy. The sentences are too short and abrupt, and please do NOT use the word "purpley" as an adjective. It just makes the story sound childish, so unless you are going for that, then I would suggest not using that word. Don’t use that repeated "slap" thing either. It does the same basic thing.
In her rant about not being short, you repeated "if you think that’s short" twice in the same sentence.
There’s a little problem with your timing as well. When your character gets out of bed, it is only a little after six in the morning, but when she wakes her sister up, it’s eight in the morning even though all she had done in the meantime was start eating a bowl of cereal. There shouldn’t be that big a jump in time.
Alright, I don’t know if you’re aware, but you posted a link right in the middle of one of your paragraphs. Are you really so lazy that you can’t just describe what your character was wearing? NEVER post links in your writing. That’s just lazy and… I don’t even know.

Okay, how old is your main character exactly? She seems very immature and young, but I can’t be sure. Her age will affect my critique a little, so I would like to know.
From what I’ve read though, this needs a lot of work before you move on.

So. Basically Thomas has been told to look after Augusta for how ever long it will take to catch this killer who is after Augusta. And I can’t really tell you more than that. I just want to know what you think about my writing? Be nice, I know for a fact it isn’t perfect. Sorry it is so long. And I have jumped into it, it is about chapter 3 and around the page of 38. So, it’s sort of far. And I am taking it nice and slow. // outside of a sentence is when it’s her thoughts. I may have missed some though.
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Augusta Bloom – Thomas Jackson was assigned to apparently keep an eye on me, I just hoped he wouldn’t get in the way of what I had planned, which was actually nothing. He was walking around the living room, looking around at or for something. I poked my head around the corner of the kitchen wall separating that from the living room. He was tall and skinny but had muscle, his hair was curly, long and brown, his eyes were also brown, but lighter. He wore tight, black jeans, I hadn’t thought you could wear something like that, I would have thought they would just wear suites. But he had a work t-shirt on underneath a suite jacket, and he wore boots, the laces were loosely done. He had style with how he dressed and talked I gave him that.
I wanted so badly to say something, to start some sort of conversation but if I did find one – with a miracle – I doubt that it would have stuck long. I stepped into the room and said without thinking, “How long will you be here? Like all day and night?”
He spun around and smiled at me. “Only if you’re ok with that. It would be nice to have you alive before and after we arrest him.” I nodded. He had a tan, a tan that completed his looks. “Are you alright?” /Stop looking at the handsome man/. I smiled like a dork and went back into the kitchen. There was nothing to do, no dishes, no cleaning anywhere in the apartment and if I wanted to cook something I would have to have gone to the shops. I wanted to know something about the man who was as he said my ‘personal body guard’, who would be staying and sleeping in my home. I walked back out into the lounge room and sat down, cross-legged on the couch and looked up at Thomas Jackson.
I had noticed that he had an Irish accent. “Are you from Ireland?” I asked.
He put his hands in his pockets and leaned up against the wall. “Yeah.” He said, “I moved here when I was ten.”
“I always wanted to go to Ireland.” I smiled slightly. “My aunt went there a few years ago, she loved it.” Thomas went to the dining table and pulled out a chair, as he sat I said, “What’s it like over there, my aunt said it was really cold but very beautiful.” I picked up the pillow next to me and pressed it to my chest.
“Well. It is cold over there. And really something.” I loved his accent, I all together loved Irish accents, they were really sexy, especially with a very good-looking man. It surprised me how strong his accent was from how long ago he had left Ireland. “Have you been back ever since?” I asked. Thomas cleared his throat, “I have, but not for awhile now.” He stood from the chair and pushed it in, he leaned on it with his hands on the back.
“Do you call it home?”
He laughed. “Is this an interview?” /I love your hair/. It was like he was shielding himself from me, for heaven knows why. He looked over his shoulder to read the clock, “Where’ll I be sleeping? If I am staying here.” He looked back to me. “It’s up to you, of course.” I smiled. /This will be interesting/.
“Course you can stay. It’s not as if I could just kick you out, right?”
“Probably not the best idea.” I gave him a questioning look. “My boss, Sara, she’ll enjoy straggling me to death if you kicked me out, because I couldn’t tell her you decided to kick me out. So. I would have to tell her that I wanted to leave, and to get someone else.”
“Hmm . . . “ I didn’t quite understand what he had just told me, I went back to his last question, “You can sleep here, or in a chair, if you’re that committed to guarding me.”
“How would sleeping in a chair help guard you exactly?” I bit my lip. “Because, the chair is in my room, and if you sleep there you’ll be . . . guarding me.” I told him as I stood and threw the pillow back on the couch. Thomas smirked. /Glad you don’t disagree with me/. I waited a moment for him to say something, but when he didn’t I walked down the hall to my bedroom and went to the window.

Thanks.

I really like your style of writing, and this little excerpt is interesting in itself. I only found two little mistakes.
You spelled Suit Jacket wrong…
And towards the bottom Augusta says "Course you can stay." Was that just slang of "Of course you can stay"? Not really a problem.
And then the talking after that confused me: "My boss, Sara, she’ll enjoy straggling me to death if you kicked me out, because I couldn’t tell her you decided to kick me out. So. I would have to tell her that I wanted to leave, and to get someone else.”
It’s kind of overlapped and I can’t tell exactly what Thomas is saying (If it is Thomas speaking).

Good luck with the rest of your story!

Again, tell me what you think. Any suggestions at all will be welcome. Also, again, no need to read the whole thing.

He began weeping, and it was unsettling to see Patrick, so strong and collected, my protector, looking like this.
“Promise me something, Loni,” he said, his voice quavering. “Promise me that you understand that I have to do this, but I still love you. And promise me you won’t go looking for me. If anyone asks, you don’t know where I am and I never came back tonight. Understand?”
I nodded, even though I didn’t really understand. What could Patrick possibly have done? Why would he do it? And why couldn’t he tell me what happened? But I knew Patrick had a reason for everything, so let him walk out the front door. He stopped to give me one last kiss and a long look, then twirled around and hurried out the door and down the street, the cold rain falling as hard as ever. At least this time he remembered his jacket.
Even though it was midnight, I was long from sleep. I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea, staring numbly at the opposite wall. It was a dull ugly, gray color, chipping in some places. The ceiling was filled with cracks, and the floor, with its fake linoleum tiles, wasn’t much better. No wonder we never had visitors; this place was a dump.
But it wasn’t like we could afford much better. We were married at the age of 22 and had barely finished college. Now, four years later, I worked as a waitress at a family restaurant for slightly above minimum wage, and Patrick was a carpenter. Even though the house was a mess and required a lot of maintenance we couldn’t afford, we were both extremely excited when we found it. Compared to the apartment we used to live in, this place was a palace. The cracks and leaks didn’t seem to be there when we bought the house, but everyday they became more evident. How I wanted to get out of this house. If only Patrick had taken me with him!
Patrick. What was he doing now? The kitchen clock now read 12:30. Did he find a place to sleep? Was he still running? Had someone found him yet?
There were so many questions I didn’t want to think about. I wanted to step out of my life, just for a little while, to see what it was like to live a usual life. To not have to worry about when the next heating bill would come, or keep a strict budget. To have a perfectly normal family whose husband was not running from authorities. To have children, maybe a little boy and girl.
Patrick and I both wanted children. I fantasized about holding them, playing with them, laughing with them, being proud of them. However, kids were out of the question. We barely had enough money to support ourselves.
Catalina: I’m not exactly sure yet why he has to leave. It’s hard–Patrick would never kill someone, but he might if he thought that Loni was in danger. He wouldn’t steal something, but he might if Loni was starving. Loni is the biggest thing in his life and he’d do anything to protect her. But I’m kinda thinking he killed someone to keep Loni safe, even though that is not like Patrick at all.
Oh, and it’s not a short story. I gave up trying to write short stories a long time ago. I posted most of the beginning about 25 minutes ago on Yahoo Answers if you want to check it out.

I think that short story was amazing, and well written. But what my question is why did Patrick all of a sudden want to leave? I mean i have so many reason why but i want to hear it from you? But i loved and enjoyed reading it….

This is not the beginning of my story, but it’s near it, so I’m sorry if you don’t know what’s happening. I realize it’s probably filled with mistakes that I didn’t manage to catch before posting, so I apologize. Remember, it’s a first draft so it’s bound to suck.

~

After spending three hours getting pestered by my little brother, I give in. He’s played every trick in the book and it all worked, from the guilt trip, to the "brother code", to threatening to tell our older brother that I was the one who stole his one hundred dollars back when we were kids. It would have been better for me to hold my ground, but Kevin’s got these puppy dog eyes and, without a doubt, the most famous pout in Vermont, so I just decide to help him out. I know you’re thinking that I’m a pushover, but why the hell would I want to endure anymore annoyance than I’ve already gone through today?

I call my wife and tell her that I won’t see her for two days. She’s upset and I don’t blame her. Kate’s six months pregnant and has to look after our two year old son while I go pretend to be a drum major even though I’m thirty-two and not eighteen. I can hear Sammy getting fussy in the background and regret my decision. It’s not fair that she has to do all of that while I’m out. So, in order to even it out a bit, I offer to come pick up Sammy and take him with me. Even though I prayed in the back of my mind for her not to say yes, she did and now I’m here in the band room with a toddler, an air mattress, and our overnight gear. All of the band members are scattered around the room and into the choir room next door, eating and talking the night away.

Kevin walks out of his office and over to me. "It’s shocking how much your kid is like you," he says, motioning to Sammy. He’s clinging at my sweatpants, hiding behind my legs. He’s a shy kid, much like I was at this age. He doesn’t really like to be around anyone besides Kate or I and gets nervous around unfamiliar people. If I were him, I’d be scared too. These kids are going wild, running in and out of rooms and shrieking like a bunch of banschees.

"Don’t you think it’s time to give these kids a tranquilizer?"

"Not ’til ten."

"Where are we sleeping?"

"Guys get the choir room, girls are in here."

"Excellent." I’d rather sleep at the zoo than in that room.

I go set my stuff down in a corner and pick Sammy up, noticing that his eyes are starting to droop. "You tired, Sammy?" He nods into my shoulder and I sit down on the ground, trying to get him to fall asleep. It’s going to be a long night.

*

I don’t plan on waking up to the obnoxious sound Kevin playing guitar and singing the Duck Tales theme song. Honest to God, it isn’t even on my to-do list for the day. Here I am, laying on my stomach, on an air mattress that we had to share last night along with Sammy, in the middle of the choir room, too out of it to focus on anything. I blink multiple times and put on my glasses as I look at the digital clock on the wall. D***mit, it’s just past two forty-five in the morning, no one should even be conscious at this hour. I sigh and sit up, knowing that the more he sings, the more likely I am to shove that guitar up his a**.

"Wakey wakey, boys. It’s a wonderful day for a band competition!"

I hear the other guys whine and groan, shoving their heads underneath their pillows in order to make the hell that is Kevin singing stop. This is why he took band instead of choir.

"Why so glum, chums? Let’s get this show on the road, we have to leave in less than thirty minutes."

"What time is it anyway?" A kid asks.

"Two something."

"Jesus, Mr. Reilly. I’m goin’ back to sleep," the same kid says as he falls back on to his sleeping bag.

I watch my brother pick up his bottle of ice cold water and carefully sneak up to the kid on the floor. He presses his index finger to his lips, whispers something I can’t understand, and then dumps little streams of water on him. The kid immediately jumps up and screams "S***!" He’s huge, bigger and taller than me, with this unruly, dirty blond hair.

"That’s what you get for not listening, Hugh. Hurry up." Now, Kevin’s serious and I can tell, his eyes narrow behind his glasses and the smile disappears.

~

If someone would be nice enough to thoroughly critique this, I would be so grateful. Even if you just want to point out the pros and cons, that’s fine with me. Any type of criticism is fine and okay with me, as long as it is constructive and helpful. Be as harsh as you want, I can handle it (I promise).

well, I like reading fiction and this one is different from what i’m used to read, but yeah, honestly…it’s good…i don’t know what it is all about though but i guess my attention was caught by the very first paragraph…it’s like as if someone is telling me this story and that i’m not reading it…and by that, i mean the narration is great…

I have an oral exam on Friday and it would be amazing if you could translate the following for me . Thankyou very much.

I live in a semi-detached house in the city, it has a small garden with a pond and lots of pretty fish, i love my fish. My house has seven floors and two floors. The living room is next to the dining room and under my bedroom. I really like the living room because it has a big television and a comfy chair, however, i hate the leopard print rug. The dining room is colourful and has a huge table with six wooden chairs but we never have people over for dinner. I have a small ugly kitchen, the walls are a dark ugly orange and the washing machine is always running which makes a very loud noise all the time, i dont like the kitchen much. The stairs are long and boring, there is thirteen steps, my mother says thats unlucky. I dont like new my bedroom very much. It is next to the bathroom, the walls in the bathroom are white and pretty. The shower is very fun. My mam and dads room is private, so i’ve never been in there before. The games room is the best room in the house, it has a big t.v with an xbox and cool games to play on, and a big pool table. I love the games room.

I hate my bedroom it is ugly and boring, however, my bedroom I had before was the best. It had a big pink double bed with lots of pretty cushions and silk sheets. The carpet was big and warm, it was cream and very soft. I had a television aswell, it was really big and i liked it a lot, i watched lots of romantic films such as ‘The notebook’ and ‘Titanic’. My best friend used to come round and sleep over and we used to play with all my really cool games and had a lot of fun. I had a really big clock on my wall and it used to tick very loudly, especially on a night. When I am older I am going to have another room like my old one.

My neighour hood is quite big and very noisy, it used to be the countryside and had lots of pretty horses, however, now there are lots and lots of big houses everywhere. My next door neighbour always plays very loud music and its very annoying. My neighbours to the right is Mr and Mrs Wilson and they are very nice and give me sweets and cookies. At night there are always people that walk past and shout and scream, my mother says they have been drinking alcohol.

My town in very touristic with a bar everywhere you look, there are lots of tourists and they love disco’s and bars. During the day my dad works at a tourist shop, he sells lots of things such as t-shirts and sun glasses. The high street has lots of clothes shops and ice cream shops, which i like. It has a cinema with lots of movies to watch and there is a swimming pool with a big blue slide.

In the future I would love to live in Australia with kangaroo’s and koala bears in a big house with a swimming pool in my back garden. I want a big room with a very big window, so that i can look at the beautiful views. I want to have a huge pink bed with lots of comfy cushions like my old bed and quite a big dressing table with lots of perfume and make up for me to wear. I will have a brown and white horse in my garden called Max and i will ride him around the town, also, i will have a pet dog called Antonio. I will love my house in Australia

Thankyou very much to anyone who takes the time to translate this, it is very much appreciated
xxx

Vivo en una casa semiseparada en la ciudad, esto tiene un pequeño jardín con un estanque y
La ducha es muy la diversión. El mi cuarto de papás y mam es privado, entonces nunca he estado en allí antes. El cuarto de juegos es el mejor cuarto en la casa, esto tiene t.v grande con un xbox y juegos chulos para aprovecharse, y una mesa de fondo grande. Amo el cuarto de juegos.
mucho pescado bonito, amo a mi pescado. Mi casa tiene siete suelos y dos suelos. La sala de estar está al lado del comedor y bajo mi dormitorio. Yo realmente como la sala de estar porque esto tiene una televisión grande y una silla cómoda, sin embargo, odio la manta de letra de leopardo. El comedor es colorido y tiene una mesa enorme con seis sillas de madera pero nunca tenemos a la gente para la comida. Tengo una pequeña cocina fea, las paredes son una naranja fea oscura y la lavadora siempre corre que hace un ruido muy fuerte todo el tiempo, yo dont como la cocina mucho. La escalera es larga y aburrida, hay trece pasos, mi madre dice thats desafortunado. Yo dont como nuevo mi dormitorio muchísimo. Está al lado del cuarto de baño, las paredes en el cuarto de baño son blancas y bonitas.

Odio mi dormitorio es feo y aburrido, sin embargo, mi dormitorio que yo tenía antes era el mejor. Esto tenía una cama de matrimonio rosada grande con muchos cojines bonitos y hojas de seda. La alfombra era grande y caliente, esto era la crema y muy suave. Yo tenía una televisión aswell, era realmente grande y me gustó esto mucho, vi muchas películas románticas como ‘el cuaderno’ ‘y Titanic’. Mi mejor amigo solía venir y dormir y solíamos jugar con todos mis juegos realmente chulos y teníamos mucha diversión. Yo tenía un reloj realmente grande en mi pared y esto solía hacer tictac muy en voz alta, sobre todo durante una noche. Cuando soy más viejo voy a tener otro cuarto como mi viejo.

Mi capucha neighour es completamente grande y muy ruidosa, esto solía ser el campo y tenía a muchos caballos bonitos, sin embargo, ahora hay partes y muchas casas grandes en todas partes. Mi al lado el vecino siempre toca la música muy fuerte y su muy molesto. Mis vecinos a la derecha son Sr. y Sra Wilson y ellos son muy agradables y me dan dulces y galletas. Por la noche hay siempre la gente que anda por delante y grito y grito, mi madre dice que ellos han estado bebiendo el alcohol.

Mi ciudad en muy turístico con una barra en todas partes usted mira, hay muchos turistas y ellos aman discoteca y barras. Durante el día mi papá trabaja en una tienda turística, él vende muchas cosas como gafas de sol y camisetas. La calle mayor tiene muchas tiendas de ropas y tiendas de helado, que me gustan. Esto tiene un cine con muchas películas para mirar y hay una piscina con una diapositiva azul grande.

En el futuro yo amaría vivir en Australia con canguro y koalas en una casa grande con una piscina en mi jardín trasero. Quiero un cuarto grande con una ventana muy grande, de modo que yo pueda mirar las vistas hermosas. Quiero tener una cama rosada enorme con muchos cojines cómodos como mi vieja cama y completamente un tocador grande con mucho perfume y compensarme para gastarme. Tendré a un caballo marrón y blanco en mi jardín llamado Max y lo montaré alrededor de la ciudad, también, tendré un perro favorito llamado Antonio. Amaré mi casa en Australia

Hope this helps!