Okay, so it’s a preface to a new book/story I’m writing. Please tell me what you think. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Where I am is somewhere cold, somewhere lonely. Where I am is Providence, Rhode Island, wrapped in my own arms, hoping that if I close my eyes and wish hard enough that maybe I can get away from this place. The clock ticking on the painted red plaster wall behind me is the only thing keeping me pegged to my bed instead of drifting gently into mental insanity.
My pseudo-relaxation is brought to a swift end by my mother slamming open my bedroom door and ripping back the drapes covering my windows, allowing a harsh light to pour in and fill the room. I meekly observe my surroundings, clothes piled on the floor. ‘It never used to be such a mess.’ I think to myself.
“Ellie,” my mother once again interrupts my thoughts, “I don’t know just what’s been happening to you over the past summer, but you’d better get your ass back in gear. Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone.” She gives me her dime-a-dozen cliché and leaves my room again. I look down to my digital clock, it tells me that it’s 3:48PM, but I beg to differ.
I slump back onto my pillow and shut my eyes. Lately, I’ve been living more in my head than in the real world. I’m thinking back four weeks ago, then even further before that. Back to times when I was a normal person, a warm, happy young lady. But living in memories is no life at all. I need to move on, look toward the future and whatnot. I need to forget this summer, and most importantly I need to forget everything that happened to me in Allendale County.
BeautyBlitz- Thanks. I was kind of on the fence about that "whatnot". And the only reason I’m writing this as a preface instead of an actual first chapter is because I want to give the reader an view of how the story is going to go. This happened after the story, like it’s being told to you rather than happening as you go. But I really appreciate your critique and I’ll make those changes.

Your first two sentences really need some work. Where I am is…Where I am is…is repetitive and not that catching.

What I wish is that people would stop writing prefaces and prologues and just write the darn story. If you find, after you have written the story, that it would benefit from having a prologue, then go for it.

In your last paragraph, I would cut the word "whatnot." It sounds horrid. I would just have my sentence say "I need to move on and look toward the future.

What I think about this….I think you should start writing the story rather than the preface. Focus your energy where it counts.

One more note: Go through and cut any word or sentence that isn’t necessary. Less is more, especially when writing. You have to say as much as possible using the fewest words you can. This is an example:

I’m thinking back four weeks ago, then even further before that. Back to times when I was a normal person, a warm, happy young lady.

I would change it to:

I think back to four weeks ago when I was a normal person, a warm happy young lady.

It says the same thing your sentences do, but in fewer words.

Good Luck and Happy Writing. =)

EDIT: I was not trying to be mean, only honest. This my friends, is what a real critique looks like, and this is the condensed version. A critique is not "wow, I’m hooked already."