what do you think of the start of my story?
i’m 16 and have no professional writing experience at all….so here goes
The rain poured heavily from the sky blanketed in dark clouds. Peering through the small circular window covered in layers of fog, it was difficult to see beyond the glass. Having leared a small patch on the glass with my hand, a faint image of what was going on outside became visible. The storm was furious. The heavy clouds and blinding flashes of lightning followed by turbulent crashes of thunder filled the sky above the small town. Despite the temper of the raging
storm, I felt no hint of concern. When the weather got like this, it never lasted for long periods of time. I let out a soft sigh and glanced over to the digital alarm clock that sat on a wooden desk that sat against the wall left of me. It was 7:00 in the morning, and I assumed that my parents would be waking soon, so I decided to go downstairs for breakfast, although I didn’t feel like eating much. I turned away from my window and slowly started making my way through my messy and dim lighted, but stumbled over a pair of black converse shoes tossed messily onto the carpeted floor. I let out a groan as I hit the floor. I cursed a little under my breath as I stood back up and continued on my way out, almost tripping over an old and empty pizza box. "I really need throw that away!" I said aloud to myself. And it was true…the box has been in there for a long while now, and it’s starting to smell funny. I picked the box up off the floor and walked over to the door and then I let out another sigh and left the room. I walked across the hallway over to the stair case and fought my worst instincts to slide down the railing.
There is too much describing. Your tense changes often. It’s average
don’t like the truth? give me a TD, idgaf. because you can’t write
i love it! it’s really good. it just needs a little editing but it’s really good.
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Comment by LauraModern — July 25, 2010 @ 2:42 pm
its nicely written
i like how your detailed with the setting and your surroundings
it would make the reader want to read more :]
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Comment by S?lín? '?' — July 25, 2010 @ 3:25 pm
There is too much describing. Your tense changes often. It’s average
don’t like the truth? give me a TD, idgaf. because you can’t write
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Comment by Phil — July 25, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
That’s really very good! Because it’s the start of the story, the details are great. They set the scene and already give you a sense of who the main character is.
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Comment by St. Nick — July 25, 2010 @ 4:48 pm
Sounds good so far! I wish I could write like that!
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Comment by ?Bones? — July 25, 2010 @ 4:56 pm
Sound great so far
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Comment by MCRpansy Venganza — July 25, 2010 @ 5:29 pm
It has potential! but it needs some editing. Maybe don’t describe small things so deeply, (like the alarm clock on the desk) and work on smoothing things out. I like how you’ve already kind of shown that your character is messy. That’s great! Also, what is the story about? I realize it’s only your first paragraph, but I’m interested
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Comment by Xx..party after the funeral..xX — July 25, 2010 @ 6:03 pm
Hm.
To be honest, I read this, and I was like "ok. hm." I did NOT say it wasn’t a good story. I like this kind of writing, the realistic one.
Here are a few tips, just a few:
-"I let out a soft sigh and glanced over to the digital alarm clock *that sat on a wooden desk *that sat against the wall left of me." Now, here, in this sentence. you used ‘that sat’ two times. I don’t know if you wanted it to be this way, but if you didn’t, you could use " wooden desk that was leaning against the was left of me." or something like that.
-"through my messy and dim lighted" Probably, messy and dim lighted room?
-"the box has been in there for a long while now, and it’s starting to smell funny." See, here, you jumped from past to present continuous. You could consider "it was starting to smell funny."
Otherwise, I really liked your story. It is actually, very well written. If this is only the first paragraph, I’m hungry for more!
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Writer.
Comment by adina — July 25, 2010 @ 6:11 pm