Maxi boy sits beside his large dog house as he protects our yard. The large, stereotypical red food bowl with his name printed in yellow is placed in the front of the house and is filled to the brim every morning. Father lounges outside on a white lawn chair and tosses Maxi boy’s rubber cheeseburger across the lawn towards the neighbor’s tomato garden. Mom is inside cleaning the antique two floor house. The floors creak, dust is collecting everywhere, and some of the furniture is older than my parents, but this is still our ideal home.

A young woman whose name I can never seem to remember lives next door and teaches music. The hundreds of instruments all play at once in a symphony of sounds that one might consider, “useless noise”. I always visit her house at the same time each week where we drink cool lemonade and she plays an accordion one week, a guitar the next, a piano the week after that, and so on. She is my inspiration to sing and learn piano, yet I still don’t remember her name no matter how hard I try. I can only remember her many instruments, her long, curly, and dark hair, and her pale white skin.

My parents are both so young and beautiful, but I see right through the façade. My Mom and I are so alike physically and my Father and I are alike personality-wise. Mom steps out of my view and appears from the old white steps on the side of her house. Her blonde, curly hair bounces around her freckle face. She hands my father a glass of water and runs her fingers through his short, dark hair and smiles her pearly white smile at him. I always notice that her teeth are a little crooked, just like mine.

Father attempts a smile of his own, but I can tell that he is worried. He’s always worried for a reason I’m not sure, and Mom has always been light and easy-going. Mom notices his worry, and I can see hurt pierce her luminescent blue eyes. She touches his pale face and beckons to me. I ignore his anxiety and her sadness and jump off of the rusty swing set to follow Mom into the ancient house.

“Cheyenne, what do you want for lunch?”, Mom asks as we enter the kitchen.

The floor has a small white tiling that is cracking and the walls are peeling wallpaper. A vintage radio player sits on a table to the right of the door and the counters are to the left by the fridge and the oil stove. I can hear chirping coming from the vent above the stove and so I discover a bird’s nest caught behind the vent. Mom wants to make lunch, probably something on the stove. I gasp and realize that I will have to set up several birdie funerals if she does.

“Mom, could you maybe not cook today? There are birds in there.”

I point quickly to the vent and jump up and down. Mom smiles and replies, “Alright Honey. I’ll make sandwiches. Go get your bathing suit on upstairs. I put it on your bed.”

I smile back and say, “Okay Mom! Thanks!”

We had just gotten a kiddy pool yesterday and I picked the colorful fish pattern. Running out of the kitchen excitedly, I make my way towards the front of the house, and up the chipped stairs. I can’t even count how many times I have gotten a sliver on these same stairs. Not that I can count that much at all, at least not past twenty.

When I finally reach the top of the stairs, a grandfather clock is against the sand colored wall staring at me. I shudder and run down the hallway into my small bedroom. The rugs that were once white are now gray and the bureau that was once shiny and new is now dull and old. My favorite bathing suit is on the cot across the room. I have a Lion King sleeping bag as my comforter and an Aladdin pillow. Taking the bathing suit, I prance back down the hallway into the bathroom and close the door behind me.

I wash the dirt off of my hands from the swing set and stand on my tip-toes to check for dirt on my face in the circular mirror. I have hair and skin like my Mom and eyes like my father, a peculiar type of golden brown. With my blue polka dot hand me down bathing suit on I slowly make my way down the hazardous stairs and skip into the kitchen with a huge smile on my face. My bologna and cheese sandwich sits delicately on my favorite green dinosaur plate. Just as I’m about to bite, the familiar ring of the house phone sounds and I sneak into the living room to pick up the phone while Mom comes into the house to answer the other one in the kitchen.

The phone is a dull yellow and has little Blue’s Clues stickers on it from the coloring book I got for
oops! yahoo cut my story off! (: if anyone wants the rest i can send it via email! thanks ! (:
i never told you to tell me what you like because i don’t give a shit. i said to help with my writing skills. dumbass.

Wow! I really like it. Using first person is ok as long as you don’t use it too much, and this isn’t too long haha stories are like 700 pages long sometimes. One of the things that I really liked was how it just gave you such a calm feeling, and the words you used were very descriptive. I actually loved it a lot! One thing that you could change but don’t really have to is

There is a shabby, old swing set left from the people who had owned this house before us.

to

There is a shabby, old swing set left from the previous owners.

But like I said, its not a big deal and you can keep it how you have it if you want. Other than that theres nothing I really would correct. You use very descriptive words which brings the story to life. If you could email it to me that would be great.

Also if you would like, there is a site that I am currently a part of . It is called www.writerfriendly.webs.com it is a site with tons of authors and you can get advice, tips, edits and more for you story ideas, chapters etc. I’ve found it very useful to me and we would love to have you if you would like to sign up. Its free and quick.

Good luck on the story, I love it ;]

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The room has a vaulted ceiling and a ceiling fan. The walls are white (I like to keep them white). There are two medium-sized rectangular windows on the left wall. Beige carpet. The frame and headboard of the bed are wood painted solid black, with very clean, modern lines. My sheets are gray, beneath a silk, light tea-green duvet with small off-white abstract florals (and matching pillows). Two black, round, wooden modern nightstands on either side of my queen bed, one with a modern white cylindrical lamp, and the other a Sharper Image alarm clock-soother. A large, round, scalloped antique silver mirror across from the bed to the side; an upholstered accent chair with large black-white abstract florals, by the windows; and a basic black coat rack in the corner of that wall and the back wall.

I feel like the back wall may need something (ie above the headboard), but I’m not sure.

Suggestions?

http://www.wallartforless.com/viewPrePage.do?pageIndex=1

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My dream house will be a masterpiece, full of beauty. It will contain a grand family room, a gorgeous dining room, connected to a stainless steal appliance kitchen and the master suite, which will be my favorite room.

My family room is grand. My brick fireplace, placed in from of my comfy cream rap round couch. Above my fireplace, hanging on the cream colored wall is a forty-inch Samsung flat screen TV. In the corner of the family room is my blue fluffy and comfy recliner, which was bought for my father when he comes to visit. The best thing about this room is the popcorn Machine, you can pop some popcorn before you watch a movie and then you can sit down with a big bowl of it. Connected to my flat screen is my V.C.R my D.V.D player and my movie projector. This allows us to play any type of movie, at any given time. The speakers built into the walls, and underneath the couch allows the surround sound to shake the house and to invite you into whatever movie you are watching. The flooring of the family room is a oak hardwood, with brown and beige area rugs, which I would place in front of the couch. On the left wall there is a window about three feet by three feet, with beige, cream, and brown curtains. This window allows just enough light in to lighten up the room. My family room will feel welcoming as soon as I open up the front door to let you in, you will feel warm, and comforted by the love my home will bring.

My gorgeous dining area is a romantic place to eat, while it contains a beautiful chandelier above the chestnut ding table, which can place up to eight people. Most of the light comes from an enormous six-foot window with cherry red curtains, which is located at the fare end of the room, facing the back yard. My old faded chestnut grandfather clock was bought from an antique auction; I placed it opposite of the archway in, which you come into the dining room from the kitchen. The kitchen is a fun stainless steal appliance kitchen with stainless steal counters too. The details in my kitchen will be extravagant with hand towels having pictures of apples on them, and my fridge even having apple shaped magnets. The cream tiled flooring is heated throughout, so when you making a pot of coffee in the morning your little toes will still stay warm. The best thing about my kitchen will be the window above the sink with curtains that contain apples on it. But if you don’t want to take your time to decorate and set up the table in the dining room you can just sit down and enjoy dinner, lunch, breakfast, in your kitchen at you finished oak table that holds a family of four, and the lighting overhead is a ceiling fan with an oak finish and energy conserved lights.
The master suite is full of relaxing in my Jacuzzi and lighting the fireplace to enjoy a warm bathroom. In my master bathroom I have heated cream tiled floors with light blue area rugs. There are no windows in my bathroom because my bathroom is all-full of privacy. The fireplace in my bathroom is wonderful; it is one of the ways it keeps my bathroom warm in the winter. The toilet and shower are on the same wall, and my Jacuzzi is right on the other side of the wall, which contain s the two bathroom sinks and gigantic mirror in which I placed a light fixture above. My bed is right there too the best thing is, is that you can locate my bathroom from the hallway and my bedroom. So, my bed is king sized with oak finished nightstand, dresser, and the frame for my bed. While I lay there at night I can watch TV on the flat screen, and listen with my surround sound. My fireplace is placed right under my flat screen, and my cream area rug right in front of that. The lighting in my room are the lamps, and the ceiling light. They are LED so then I can save a little money and have a brighter room.
So I think that the master suite is my favorite place to be, cuddled up in my covers all day long with a fire going and watching TV with Tivo. My dream house will be the best place to be and I will love it forever, since its what I have always dreamed of.

let me know what i need to correct, and what is good, tell me what to redo and how to fix. and let me know whether or not the conclusion is long enough. and whether or not the pareagraghs are good. i am a freshman in high school. so help me if you can please:)

This sloppy copy sounds perfect!!! There are 3 things you need to fix though. In the second paragraph, there is a sentence that says: "My brick fireplace, placed in from of my comfy cream rap around couch." From needs to be front. The second thing is that in your third paragraph, it says somewhere about your popcorn machine. Well, there is a comma in there that needs to be a period. Last thing, somewhere you said ding, when it needs to be dining. Your welcome for the help!!!

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