here’s a preview..
Preface:
I’m doing my best to run; trying to make my feet move. Don’t stop! You need to keep running! I told myself. But my feet are starting to feel heavy, my hands trembling of the unknown danger and my head suffering from great pain.
My body is starting to get tired of all the running and dizzy from all the visions and figures. I didn’t want to scream but the pain was so powerful. What’s going on?! I protested. Nothing was making any sense; figures after figures, but none of them were clear. Then I felt my feet gave up; I was lying on the floor, helpless. I gathered my courage to try and look back but there was nothing there; I was alone. I tried to stand up, but my feet weren’t responding.
Am I going to die? Will they kill me fast enough that I won’t feel anything? Or will they torture me slowly to death?
Is this really it? I asked myself, waiting for my death.
Chapter 1: Dreams and Visions
It was already dark outside when I noticed that I was wide awake. The night was so still, not a sound of cricket; just the irritating ticktocks’ of my wall clock, the cold gushing wind coming through my opened window and my dog’s––Puppy––disturbing barks.
I found myself sitting up on my bed; sweating and trembling.
“It was just a dream. It was just a dream.” I sighed, comforting myself. But it was so real. The only difference is that I’m the third person; watching myself from afar. I convinced myself to slumber but my eyelids wouldn’t even dare to close. Every time I try to, I keep seeing my dream, or more like my nightmare.
It was already one in the morning when I decided to go down to the kitchen. The darkness in the hallway was blinding; I let my fingers traced the wall, searching for the switch. I stumbled quite a few times before I found it.
I got down the stairs and grabbed a glass of water. My hand was still quivering; spilling drops of water on the floor.
I took a towel in my hand, clutched my fingers together––to stop the shaking––and got on my knees, wiping the drops.
My mind was wandering of, thinking of things I dreamt. But it was all silhouettes; nothing was clear. Thinking about it just brings me headaches. I sat down––tired from kneeling––on the cold marble tiles, laid my head back on our wooden back door, closed my eyes and tried to relaxed. I breathe in and out some hard gasps and finally stood up.
please review.. thanks!
oh, this is my FIRST novel.. please give me a little break from harsh feedbacks.. thank..
~_~
oh, QUESTION.. should i use preface or prologue? or neither?
Please give proper review and not just a simple "it’s awesome!" or "it sucks!"….thanks!
well, this is just some of the parts of the story..the rest of the explaining is going to happen a few sentence further..sorry if i confused everyone..please keep on reviewing and giving tips and i’m doing my best to follow it..thanks!
Critics are harsh. You may be heartbroken, but in the long run it helps you write better novels. I’ve read only the first two sentences and already found something wrong. I’m very picky with writing so I don’t think I’ll read through as I don’t think you can handle real judgement. What I noticed in the first two sentences was you’re using more than one tense. You say you’re "DOING my best to run" (Present), but than you use past tense in things like "the pain WAS so powerful" and, "I TOLD myself". Pick ONE tense.
Don’t start sentences with, "but".
And the word "protested" doesn’t work where you put it. Protesting is kind of like argueing.. If you’re in "great pain" as you put it, and screaming.. You wouldn’t be "protesting", you’d be.. well.. wondering. Even "wondering" is too delicate a word for such a painful situation. And you felt your feet "give up", not gave up. Also… I’m guessing that since you have an "all knowing" narrator, aka your narrator is someone’s thoughts/from a character’s point of view – That character is your main character? And I’d also assume that since she/he’s in such a pickle, that they are supposed to be the books hero. If you have your hero wondering how she’s going to die.. Well that’s not very heroic. Have her panic, but at the same time think of ways to get out of the situation she’s landed herself in.
I won’t bother to read Chapter 1… You’ve got a good idea going, but love CRITICISM IS GOOD WHEN YOU’RE WRITING A NOVEL. It helps you write. Ask for it when you’ve got more though, so you won’t give up so easily. And DON’T GIVE UP. This could be something. A couple more things – Don’t use the same word twice in one sentence, and describe things, but remember people want to visualize things for themselves. Try not to describe a bunch of different things in one sentence.
Happy writing!! Don’t let anyone ruin what you’re passionate about.
It’s hard to give a proper "review" without being a little harsh. It depends on you, if you have thin skin then everything I say will be harsh.
You can delete the preface/prologue since it is a dream… It’s really cliche to have all the action in the beginning be a dream.
References :
Comment by Morgaine — November 28, 2009 @ 9:24 pm
You have a good start, but it doesn’t really flow that well. Try reading it aloud and if you ever catch yourself stumbling that isn’t good.
Good luck with your writing!
References :
Comment by Emmy — November 28, 2009 @ 9:53 pm
Well, I really like your writing style. It seems you enjoy keeping your audience in the dark and that irritates me a bit. But, never mind, that’s just me. If you have a good, original plot, then I think it will make a fine novel.
Oh, and I think that the dream in the preface (at least I assume it was a dream) should be included in the first chapter in italics. If it is an important scene yet to come, then use prologue. No reason, I just like the sound of it better.
References :
Comment by mashustik94 — November 28, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
That would be a prologue–A preface is usually an author’s note about the book, not part of it.
Thank you for using spell check. Your grammar is also okay for the most part–might want to reconsider all those semicolons and dashes, though. Think of them as special occasion punctuation.
There’s not really enough here to make judgment on story–it could go very well, or it could go very badly.
My advice? Keep working it. There’s some promise there. Finish it, read through it, then stuff it in a drawer for at least a month, and then read it again. You may also want to find a friend to consult–it’s hard to deal with this sort of thing via Y!A.
Finally, if you plan on writing, you will eventually have to develop a thick skin. Be prepared. Some people are jerks.
References :
Artist–also a career that requires a thick skin
Comment by spunk113 — November 28, 2009 @ 11:29 pm
Critics are harsh. You may be heartbroken, but in the long run it helps you write better novels. I’ve read only the first two sentences and already found something wrong. I’m very picky with writing so I don’t think I’ll read through as I don’t think you can handle real judgement. What I noticed in the first two sentences was you’re using more than one tense. You say you’re "DOING my best to run" (Present), but than you use past tense in things like "the pain WAS so powerful" and, "I TOLD myself". Pick ONE tense.
Don’t start sentences with, "but".
And the word "protested" doesn’t work where you put it. Protesting is kind of like argueing.. If you’re in "great pain" as you put it, and screaming.. You wouldn’t be "protesting", you’d be.. well.. wondering. Even "wondering" is too delicate a word for such a painful situation. And you felt your feet "give up", not gave up. Also… I’m guessing that since you have an "all knowing" narrator, aka your narrator is someone’s thoughts/from a character’s point of view – That character is your main character? And I’d also assume that since she/he’s in such a pickle, that they are supposed to be the books hero. If you have your hero wondering how she’s going to die.. Well that’s not very heroic. Have her panic, but at the same time think of ways to get out of the situation she’s landed herself in.
I won’t bother to read Chapter 1… You’ve got a good idea going, but love CRITICISM IS GOOD WHEN YOU’RE WRITING A NOVEL. It helps you write. Ask for it when you’ve got more though, so you won’t give up so easily. And DON’T GIVE UP. This could be something. A couple more things – Don’t use the same word twice in one sentence, and describe things, but remember people want to visualize things for themselves. Try not to describe a bunch of different things in one sentence.
Happy writing!! Don’t let anyone ruin what you’re passionate about.
References :
Comment by Lorova LFU — November 29, 2009 @ 12:03 am
i do not think you need a preface or a prologue… starting a story by describing someone’s dream tends to be overused. if you start with the character waking up, it sparks peoples’ curiosity because they will want to know what about the dream disturbed the character so. deleting the dream will make it so much better. it is good, though.
References :
Comment by Ana — November 29, 2009 @ 12:18 am
It is a good beginning. You have a lot of grammar mistakes which makes it hard to read. The concept seems interesting, but since I don’t know where you are going with it, I can’t give much feedback on that. As for your writing, you sometimes have problems with prepositions. For example: "my hands trembling of the unknown danger" – "of" doesn’t really work here. Perhaps with or from?
watch your verb tenses. Make sure they are parallel throughout.
You also really need to work on your use of punctuation. I would suggest going to: http://springhole.net/wiki/index.php/Proper_Punctuation for a little help with that.
"A prologue starts the action and is PART of the action, though it could take place in the middle of the action — it often focuses on a pivotal moment. If you have a prologue, you must also have an epilogue."
"A preface or foreword deals with the genesis, purpose, limitations, and scope of the book and may include acknowledgments of indebtedness; an introduction deals with the subject of the book, supplementing and introducing the text and indicating a point of view to be adopted by the reader. The introduction usually forms a part of the text [and the text numbering system]; the preface does not."
From that, I would think it would be a prologue if anything, but I don’t think you need to make it a prologue. It seems to me to just be the beginning of the story.
References :
http://www.patmcnees.com/the_difference_between_a_preface__foreword__and_introduction_52536.htm
http://springhole.net/wiki/index.php/Proper_Punctuation
Comment by Rayecheal — November 29, 2009 @ 12:37 am
the way you write keeps your readers wondering and wanting more…
But I do suggest a little more transition and explaining or refrencing how you get from one point to another
References :
Comment by keep_the_secret — November 29, 2009 @ 1:22 am
Keep the preface, because it tells us the dream, and why she is so freaked out by it, and i know you didnt say this but it is really good, but still read it out load, if it doesnt make sense to the author, it wouldnt for the readers.
References :
Comment by Dustin S — November 29, 2009 @ 2:07 am